


Give Me Love

by kimnamjoons



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers Feels, Canon Compliant, M/M, One Shot, POV Steve Rogers, Please Don't Hate Me, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Soulmates, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, angsty?? if you squint hard enough, hey this is sad and i'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 21:29:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18374435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimnamjoons/pseuds/kimnamjoons
Summary: Because sure the history books could write endless paragraphs about his determination and dedication to the ongoing war but this-- being held by Bucky Barnes-- they never talk about his commitment to the only man he’s ever loved.orSteve only sees him in his dreams.





	Give Me Love

**Author's Note:**

> hey!! endgame is out soon!! so you know what that means??? more tears!!!! anyway, I was feeling a bit emo and UPSET over stevebucky not getting their happy ending so then this ensued. Enjoy!

 

 

“You’re dreaming, you know?” And there’s a hint of teasing in Bucky’s voice. Steve always knew how to tell when he was teasing, whether it was teasing during a game, during a war, during their most intimate moments behind closed doors, and even now, Steve knows. Steve doesn't appreciate it as much as he usually does. Not now, not when he’s inches away from losing Bucky’s tight grasp to the air.

 

 

Steve closes his eyes and his bottom lips trembles unconsciously.

 

 

“Don’t,” Is the only syllable that leaves his mouth, he doesn't have the strength to say anything else besides the thing he’s been saying for the past years. How else is he supposed to say what he really means to.

 

 

_Please don't bring up the fact that you aren't real, don't say this is just a dream because I know it's just a dream and I miss you so much that it hurts when I breathed and it physically aches to open my eyes after you disappear._

 

 

“Stevie--” Bucky begins as he sways them side to side, never losing his step. Bucky never has, always the perfect dancer.

 

 

He reminisces what once was, he thinks about when he was happy. He remember dancing in their shabby little apartment, swaying side to side-- when the cold would bite at his pale skin and the only thing that would replay in Steve's mind was the warmth that radiated off of Bucky. That was enough to keep him warm. 

 

 

“Just please, please give me more time,” Steve’s voice shakes and he mentally yells at himself for showing this side of himself.

 

 

He’s never been one to show emotion, he can't remember the last time he cried out of sheer panic and overwhelming emotion. He’s never cried when he had to but the lump on his throat moving like waves as it crashes closer to his mouth says something completely different.

 

 

“Are you going to cry?” Bucky asks as he lifts Steve’s face up with a hand to his chin.

 

 

He looks at Steve up and down with a faint smile. Steve knows his eyes are watery and he doesn’t stop himself from being this bare and visible to Bucky. How could he stop it? This is the man he’s spent an eternity with, Steve has spent two lifetimes with him and somehow it still isn't enough.

 

 

 _Give me more time_ , he wants to beg whatever ruler is up in heaven. _Don't take him now_ , he wants to yell. 

 

 

Because sure the history books could write endless paragraphs about his determination and dedication to the ongoing war but this-- being held by Bucky Barnes-- they never talk about his commitment to the only man he’s ever loved.  

 

 

They have it all wrong, Steve wants to shout into the void. The history book reads:  _Steve Rogers, man on a mission, dedicating his life to war_ but they don't know that the only reason he went to war was because of Bucky. _Don't lose Bucky, don't lose Bucky, don't lose Bucky,_ like a song written from the quiet moments shared between both men.

 

 

The history book reads:  _Steve Rogers, a man out of time_ but they don't explain that the only reason he feels so tremendously lost and out of time is because he lost the only thing he ever cared for. _Find Bucky, find Bucky, find Bucky,_ like a chant that the sea has made up.

 

 

“Promise me one thing,” Bucky starts after noticing the creeping silence between them,

 

 

“take care of yourself, Steve Rogers,” he says through a choppy laugh, bitter to the core and not from this world. Steve doesn't recognize it. 

 

 

“I can’t--” And a gasp leaves his throat, Steve is trying his ultimate best to suppress the panic attack that wants to leave his chest.

 

 

“Of course you can, you’ve been taking care of yourself for as long as I can remember, Stevie,” Bucky tries lightening up the mood, he runs his hand through Steve’s hair.

 

 

“You're not here with me, you can't ask something of me when you're not here with me,” Steve chokes out accusingly, gripping Bucky tighter.

 

 

“I’m here with you now, aren't I?” Bucky asks as he sways him further, in the middle of Steve’s empty room.

 

 

Steve hates his room, he hates being in it and he hates sleeping in it. _Why?_ Sam would ask, _I've gotten you the best bed you could ask for_ , Tony would comment with a glare. They don't understand, they never will. _I don't like it because Bucky isn't here,_ Steve wants to say. It's always been Steve and Bucky-- together. This bedroom isn't meant for just Steve, it's supposed to be for Bucky too, but he isn't here now. What is he supposed to do? 

 

 

_I feel alone, I feel empty, this bed isn't meant for one, it's meant for two._

 

 

“You-- you know what I mean, Buck,” he mumbles out, he sniffles some more, setting his head on Bucky’s shoulder.

 

 

“I’ll always be here with you, you know that. Lifetimes will pass and I’ll find you in each one. I always find you,” Bucky promises and Steve believes him, he always has.

 

 

Steve Rogers doubts every single thing in his life, whether it's a war he thinks they won't win or a day he thinks he won't survive, but Bucky-- Bucky Barnes is something he’ll never doubt.

 

 

“Promise that you will look for me,” Steve says with blurry vision, the tears so close from escaping his eyes.

 

 

“I promise to look for you and I promise to find you,” Bucky replies, caressing his cheek. On instinct, Steve leans into the soft hand on his face, it's almost ghost like. 

 

 

Steve looks down and silently starts crying,

 

 

“My big baby,” Bucky starts, faintly chuckling as he hugs Steve tighter.

 

 

“The one thing they forgot to add in those textbooks is that you are in fact the biggest baby and you’re also my big baby,” He finishes as he wipes Steve’s tears away.

 

 

“I just don't want you to leave, it’s hard and I miss you so much.”

 

 

“I know it's hard, my love.”

 

 

“You don’t. I’ve been chasing you for as long as I can remember and even when I'm this close to catching you, they take you away from me. It isn't fair, Buck,” Steve starts sobbing at this point and Bucky is rubbing his back.

 

 

It’s never been fair, the only chance he’s had at happiness died in the 1940s and when Bucky was taken from him. He deserves to rest, Steve thinks now. He’s fought in wars that weren't his and has died over and over again. He deserves to close his eyes and lie next to the love of his life. They deserve this.

 

 

“I understand, you don't have to chase me. I’ve been yours from the beginning. You and only you,” Bucky confesses like if it was something new.

 

 

Bucky feels lighter in his grasp and Steve knows it's coming. Bucky does too.

 

 

“Look for me in the wind,” Bucky begins to say, he’s leaving.

 

 

“Look for me when you feel the gentle hands of the breeze on your cheek,” Bucky holds his cheek.

 

 

“Look for me when you hear the wind making music in your ear,” Bucky kisses his ears.

 

 

“Look for me when you feel a drift of air, anywhere and everywhere. Look for me,” he says as he looks Steve in the eye with hopeful eyes. Steve nods, not wanting to say anything else.

 

 

"And when you find me, know that I'm thinking of you just like a person thinks of their lover, just how the earth yearns to meet the sky in the middle," he whispers out, closing his eyes and holding Steve tighter. 

 

 

“Visit me in my dreams,” Steve says, Bucky feeling further and further away than ever before. These are his least favorite moments, when he knows he can't stop it. They feel like the memory all over again, where Bucky falls into the endless cliff of death and Steve couldn't do much but watch.

 

 

“I’m doing it right now, aren't I?” Bucky says as he gets grainier and grainier, a smile still on his face.

 

 

“I love you, Steve Rogers. I'll find you again,” Is the last thing Steve hears before waking up with sweaty hands and a heartbeat so loud he could hear it.

 

 

Steve sits on his bed as his hands tremble, wanting to hold Bucky one more time.

 

 

He closes his eyes, wanting to go back to sleep, needing to see Bucky again.

 

 

He hears footsteps approaching from the hall, they stop. 

 

 

“Another nightmare?” Sam asks as he stands by the bedroom door.

 

 

“No I-- it wasn't a nightmare,” Steve corrects him with a small smile, sniffling. 

 

 

His hand longs for a pencil, wanting to draw the soft edges that make up the man in his dream.

 

 

Sam nods, understanding what he meant and then closes the door to Steve’s room.

 

 

Things were always like that. Steve would wake up screaming or crying, sometimes both. It was a constant thing in his life ever since Bucky disappeared into ash during the time they spent fighting a war they knew they’d never win. Steve would have nightmares, Steve would have bad dreams, and then Steve would dream about the love of his life.

 

 

Steve would dream about the love of his life, the one person he heart ached for. He could survive everything if Bucky stood right next to him, he knows this.

 

 

Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers **,** _and also lovers,_ Steve wants to add and correct everyone. _No one else but him._

 

 

Bucky Barnes was many things. He was a great soldier in war, an amazing brother to his sisters, a reliable friend to those that needed one, but he was also Steve’s greatest love and also Steve’s greatest loss. Bucky Barnes was the love of Steve’s life. Steve doesn't think he’ll ever find someone like that again and he knows that.

 

 

Years pass, things change and breathing becomes easier for Steve. He eats, he goes out, he talks to his close friends, and he sleeps. A constant cycle without any interruptions, something he is so grateful for. Something he has never had. 

 

 

He sleeps and dreams of Bucky Barnes, the only thing in life he wished he could have. The only thing that is out of his grasps, he reaches and he reaches and Bucky Barnes never seems close enough. Steve yanks his hands back, burned, and only wishes he could feel Bucky’s heartbeat against his again.

 

 

But things change, like they’re always meant to.

 

 

He sleeps until he no longer dreams of wide blue eyes and long brown hair. He sleeps until his hands no longer itch for a pen every time he wakes up. He sleeps until he no longer dreams about the bad that has happened in his life. He sleeps, he doesn’t dream of Bucky, he wakes up, he breathes, and life goes on.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me  
> [my twt ](https://twitter.com/buckyspretty)  
> 


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